Ok. This is a call out to all of my 3 readers (Hi mom!). A month ago I submitted my application for the first every Filmmakers Workshop put on by American Film Renaissance and was quite pleased when I got an email back about a week ago letting me know that I get to be one of the 34 participants.

Very cool right? Well, yes and no. The ‘no’ part of that answer is in regards to a short pitching session that all the participants are required to do.

One highlight of the workshop will be a session on pitching, the art of condensing a two-hour film into a five-minute verbal pitch that will entice producers and investors to buy or fund your project.  The top pitches of the weekend will get an opportunity to pitch to a panel of Hollywood executives.

The information packet that was sent to me about a week ago makes no mention of the top pitches getting any opportunity to do anything, and instead of a 5 minute pitch we are told to have an ‘elevator pitch’ ready….30 seconds.

I’ve never pitched before in my life and the scribosphere is remarkably devoid of any helpful information in this regard.

And of course, videos like this don’t make me feel more at ease about it:

Seriously people…..post any thoughts/ideas/resources you have for pitching scripts in the comments. I’ll try and sum them up in a post in the near future. I promise.

I think of all the Beats laid out in the beat sheet, this is the one that gives me the most trouble, and it’s not that I don’t understand the logic behind it or don’t think it’s nessessary. It’s the shear volume of information and backstory that has to be crammed into the first 10 pages that tends to intimidate.

You have to introduce your main characters, expose their flaws and what else needs fixin’, set up the world that these people inhabit before the great change you are introducing in your script shows up.

That seems to be a tall order to squeeze into the first 10 pages. Well, it is to me anyway. Good movies seem to pull it off without breaking a sweat. I can’t post the first 10 minutes of a movie online without infringing on some copyrights so I’ll do the next best thing….I’ll post a trailer. The trailer of ‘Hancock’ contains footage almost exclusively gleaned from the first 10 minutes of the movie.

We’re introduced to Hancock – a drunken superhero who is despised by those he tries to save. Destroys everything in his attempts at heroism. Alone. Has no memory of his past.

Jason Bateman plays a PR guy – wants to do good. Wants companys to do the same. Can’t seem to convince others. He’s a hero without powers.

Charlize Theron – loves her husband, but has some sort of connection to Hancock. Avoids Hancock as much as possible, yet still has sympathy for the guy.

This all just scratches the surface of what is dealt with in the Set-Up. How can I get all that information into the first 10 pages? On one level, I think that if you watch a lot of movies, then subconciously you know what you have to write about in the opening bit of your script. However, when writing by ‘instinct’ I’m guessing it makes it harder to correct your mistakes as you don’t exactly know what’s wrong. When you read what your wrote something feels wrong, but without experience and knowledge it’s probably harder to isolate it.

For that reason I’m going to try out a little list of my own concoction. I’m simply going to list my two main characters and their character traits and flaws before I even start writing. I hope that this will help focus me during the actually writing part. (As an aside, this type of stuff would probably already been done if you’re the type of writer who likes to make character bios, but for those of us who are notoriously bad at writing down our characters this list might help):

Movie Theme: This is up here just to help me focus on the characters and how I want them to change.

Character One: Here is where I write how my character is deficient in regards to the theme.

Character Two: Ditto.

The World Of:

1. Character One: What is the life like for him/her? How has their deficiency in regards to the theme hampered them in daily life?
2. Character Two: Ditto.

Things that Need Fixing For:

1. Character One: While these things are related to the theme, they are minor in scope in comparison to the main conflict and can be ‘fixed’ numerous ways.
2. Character Two: Umm…..ditto.

So far this has just been an intellectual exercise for me so let me do the list again but stuff characters from a recent script in it.

Movie Theme: Are We Our Brothers Keeper?

Character One: Withdrawn from the world. Does not involve himself at all with it.

Character Two: Tries, but by helping her brother she ends up hurting many others.

The World Of:

1. Character One: Has given up on trying to get involved. Now he is alone, hunted.
2. Character Two: Tries to keep family together, though her family has left her. Her attempts are also causing her to lose her friends and co-workers as well.

Things that Need Fixing For:

1. Character One: Given up on life. Doesn’t get involved in other peoples life, or share his with others. Lost all sense of who he is….life is just time passing.
2. Character Two: Desperate to have a family like before. Lost respect of the other cops. Lost her ability to put events together….predict consequences or behavior.

Ok…not the best or most clear list ever created, but I think it will help me to focus on what I need to include in the early part of my story. What do I do to convey that my detective has lost the respect of the cops she works with? Dialogue? A single look given her by a beat cop? This list will hopefully help me in figuring all that out.

Of course, I just used two characters in my example whereas I should have a couple more tucked in there. Anyone else have a better way to formulate my thoughts to help create a great Set-Up in my script?

It’s been a long time since I last posted and for the one person who checks this site regularly (um…me) I’d like to apologize. It’s been a bit crazy around here lately. Someone has made an offer to buy my movie theatre so there has been lots of handwringing about that issue…still haven’t figured out what to do yet either. Also I’ve been getting my application ready for a film workshop being held in LA this August. They only accept 30 people and if you’re picked, room and board, as well as flight, is included! Coolio!

I imagine they’ll be letting people know if they’ve been accepted in the next week or two. Believe me, if I get in I’ll be posting it on my blog here to gloat to…um…me.

This post I’d like to talk about scene descriptions in your script.

Ok, I lied. I’d like to talk about scene descriptions in MY script, but any pearls of wisdom should be applicable to your own. See? I’m all about the givin’ here. To start things off, here is a brief bit of a script I’m working on (forgive the formatting…didn’t copy/paste well):

MICHAELS

What the…?

Rolling the coin between her fingers, she tries to make out the markings on the well worn coin.

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Where we heading? Hospital or coroner?

She gives the body a brief kick, waits for a reaction. Deadpan.

MICHAELS

I’m guessing the coroner.

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Good call.

Michaels goes back to the coin. It looks almost as old as the flint knife.

The body bag jostles slightly.

MICHAELS

We hit a bump or something?

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Nope.

The body bag jostles again, even more pronounced.

MICHAELS

Pothole?

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Sorry?

Michaels reaches towards the zipper on the bag.

The bag suddenly sits up.

This is one of my better scenes when it comes to action tags/scene descriptions. I tend to run off at the mouth (textually speaking) and can easily end up with more descriptions then dialogue. It’s not good and it’s something that I have to continually work at….cutting it all down and keeping it simple is like cutting off my own fingers. Anyhoo…how about we check out a script from a movie that actually got made shall we? The script is ‘Smokin’ Aces’ and you can find it here. Here’s a snippet:

PADICHE (V.O.)
…Jesus…what for?
SERNA (V.O.)
–who can say. He’s off his onion,
y’know, he’s old school Sicilian,
this is how they hate.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Wow.
SERNA (V.O.)
Hey, we nab Israel, they pay t’get’m
back, I’ll cut the fuckin’ thing out
m’self, no extra charge. My thing
is, we crew up, let’s not fuck
around, someone’s cousin, some Zip
off the boat from Naples, let’s get
pros, people who know how to behave.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Yeah, there’s a pair’a broads I’m
thinking might be good for this.
SERNA (V.O.)
Chances are, they’re gonna get into
some shit too, hafta put people down.
PADICHE (V.O.)
That’s not a problem. Are we goin’
outta pocket ourselves?
SERNA
Yeah, I can front this.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Well just so I got a quote in my
head. What’s the rate for the Swede?
SERNA
That’s the punchline, y’ready?
PADICHE
Shoot.
4.
SERNA (V.O.)
A million flat.
PADICHE (V.O.)
No shit.
SERNA (V.O.)
None whatsoever.

Bad formatting aside (which is also the result of copy/pasting), notice anything else? There are no scene descriptions! Ok, that’s not entirely true. Every new scene Joe Carnahan does throw up some descriptive prose to give the reader a sense of their surroundings. He also has no trouble writing paragraphs describing intense action scenes. But regular scenes? Nada. Zip.

I’m impressed. Not only in his ability to say a lot by writing very little, but also with his faith in the actors and actresses into whose hands he’s putting his baby.

When I’m writing I see everything my characters do and I want to put that all down in the script. But I can’t, because to do so would severely hamstring any actors interested in doing my film. So in short…say more, write less. Or if my own observations are any indication….you’re script should have a lot more dialogue then description.

I dunno, maybe the way I have it now is fine for garnering initial interest in a script from the studios, but I imagine it would have to be rewritten before it got passed around to actors. Any actors read this site? Mind telling me if my theory is correct or not?

]]> http://filmscribe.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/script-writing-scene-descriptions/feed/ 0 filmscribe http://filmscribe.wordpress.com/2008/06/18/obsession-is-goooooooood/ http://filmscribe.wordpress.com/2008/06/18/obsession-is-goooooooood/#comments Wed, 18 Jun 2008 04:09:28 +0000 filmscribe http://filmscribe.wordpress.com/?p=14 ]]>

I wish I could remember where I read this but I thought I’d share it with you all anyway. Ready? Here it is:

Obsession is a good quality in your protagonist.

I’m not sure about all of you out there but this simple piece of advice is something I actually overlooked when rebuilding my protagonist. Cool set pieces, throw in a cool car chase or martial arts showdown and voila….instant hit. Right? Guess not. Apparently my hero has to actually want something so bad that it’s an obsession.

We’re all writers here, but some of you might like a visual aid.

Not very exciting is it. I mean, while the guy is actually in the rapids it’s kinda interesting, but once the rapids calm down there isn’t much else propelling the guy along in his little innertube. Right now, my hero is that tuber. I’m relying on all sorts of cool ’stuff’ in the script to propel the action along. This approach can even work sometimes, but let up for even a second and the audience will doze off.

Just now the film ‘Van Helsing’ popped up in my head as an example of this. Granted, I only saw the movie once when it first came out, but I remember thinking as I walked out that the movie was just go-go-go all the time. An example of the plot driving the character instead of the other way around?

Ok, now in the interest of equal time, I present to you a clip representing what happens when the character is obsessively driving forward the story.

I’m not sure about anyone else, but stairwells have never been more exciting. The most ordinary settings become extraordinary because some guy is throwing his body about like some ragdoll ninja.

This is what my protagonist needs to be doing….and he’s not. He’s a passive little twerp being caught up in the events around him. Not somebody people are going to want to cheer on and hope he succeeds.

Back to the ol’ drawing board.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Just rereading my last post covering Part 1 of the Beat Sheet and it already seemed that I was bleeding the opening image and the theme into one confusing post. My opening image was ok, though I’m still uncertain whether or not I’m going to keep it even remotely the same as I wrote it.  My problem was including this:

‘Hell is all around us, it’s of our own creation, and our apathy doesn’t make it go away’.

That’s the theme, and hence it belongs here, not with the opening image.

Ok. *takes deep breath* I got that off my chest now.

The theme as stated above will come into play around page 5 of the screenplay, when the protagonist is brought in off the city streets into a research facility hidden behind one of the old sandstone tenement buildings. Greeted by the research team, made up of the leader and a handful of grad students, they apologize that he had to come into this part of town to meet with them.

“It’s hell out there isn’t it?”

“That was your choice.”

Not the exact dialogue I want, but it conveys the theme of the film rather nicely. To confirm this whole 5 page = stated theme theory I pulled out a few of the movies I had laying around my computer and checked out what was said around the 5 minute mark. I might be grasping at straws for some of them.

I started out with The Saint starring Val Kilmer. Five minutes into the movie we are still in a flashback to the Saints youth in a Catholic orphanage. He’s talking to the girl he loves, mentioning that he is leaving on a crusade. Is the crusade the theme? That we all want to do something worthwhile, even if it means sacrificing our material comforts? If you are a bit looser with the time frame you could go back a bit to where the young Saint if being forced to name himself John Rossi which he refuses. The theme in this case could be that nobody can be told who they are…it is something that we all have to learn on our own. And perhaps that pretending to be someone we’re not can be dangerous.

After the 8 minute mark of Alien Vs. Predator I haven’t got much. Some talk about the PSR (Point of Safe Return) is ominous, but hardly a thematic statement. A few minutes later (11ism minutes) the grandpooba who’s put this whole expedition together talks about this journey being worth the risk. That fits better with being a theme…is the pursuit of knowledge worth the risk….any risk? At what point is it better to back off and place personal safety over personal gain? However, this is almost twice the distance from the beginning as one would think to find the theme stated.

Of course, both these movies didn’t do great at the box office which could lead me to believe that by missing this beat the audience is confused. We’ve spent so much time waiting to find out what this movie is ‘about’ that we’ve given up on it already. Somehow I doubt that’s the case, but lets look at one more film.

The Maltese Falcon. I bought it awhile ago and still haven’t watched it. How sad is that? I must admit to thinking that there would be some statement of theme right at the five minute mark on the nose. Maybe it’s because the movie is from Hollywoods golden era where everyone seemed to be craftsman at their respective trade. Anyhoo, the only statement of theme I could come up with came around the 8 minute mark, when Spade is at the crime scene watching his partners body being bundled up. The inspector mentions that Miles had his faults but he must have had some good points too. Looks can be deceiving? Everyone is good and bad? You can’t trust anyone? Those are themes which could be explored in the movie.

Now I’ll just have to watch it to see if they pan out.

In the meantime….on to Beat number 3….The Set-Up

Well, having settled upon a logline (for now anyway) it is time to move on to the Beat Sheet. For those of you just joining this blog then you should know that I’m following along with Blake Snyders book Save the Cat.

The Beat Sheet serves to create signpost for the script, and for those of us (like myself) who find themselves easily sidetracked then this is very important to establish before writing another draft.

Which brings us to the first beat…the opening image.

The opening image of the film should almost be a graphical representation of the entire film itself. Not the resolution of the film, but the set up. Of course, these are my thoughts regarding what an opening image should be, not necessarily Mr. Snyders.

Want an example of what I mean? Of course you do.

One of the best opening images EVER, and one that I think encapsulates Star Wars into a few minutes quite nicely. A small ship, out manned and out gunned, being pursued by an enormous and heavily armed warship. The Rebels against the Empire, Luke against Darth Vadar. The whole movie seems to be about the small at the mercy of the large. The weak being pursued by the strong. This is the universe in which the movie takes place, and the opening image sums up all of this in one shot.

Pretty impressive eh?

So what is the universe that Inferno is taking place in like? What is my protagonist like and how does he function in this universe? These are things I’ve got to think about when I create my opening image.

‘Hell is all around us, it’s of our own creation, and our apathy doesn’t make it go away’.

I think that simple phrase sums up what I want the opening image to convey, but how to go about it? If you head here then you’ll see the Beat Sheet as it applies to the movie The Wedding Crashers, and reading it leads me to believe that I’ve got a short paragraph to sum it all up. Wee.

As a quick aside, I think the Wedding Crashers beat sheet is written up from an instruction point of view, not from the writers perspective, so don’t try and copy it exactly.

Since this is the first beat though, I figure I should at least write this one down and start getting feedback on it. It probably won’t be a regular thing though, as I want to keep some of the script to myself. It would suck to actually sell the script but have no one come to see it because they can just come here and know all about it *grin*. Here it goes:

[The Hero] walks down the city street, briefcase in hand, repeatedly checking a small crumpled post-it note in his hand and the addresses on the buildings. Around him, filling the streets of this decaying neighborhood, the dregs of society. People are busy getting high, getting drunk, yelling and abusing their spouses, committing the oldest sins in the newest ways. [The Hero], dressed smartly in a suit, dismisses them all without a glance. They do not matter to him.

This opening image is just something I came up with on the spot and I’ll have to put a lot more thought into it. Is this where I want to open the film? In previous drafts I’ve had the film opening with the protagonist driving alone into the mountains, hinting at the isolation he himself feels from others and society as well. While that works if that’s what I want to do, the opening scene almost demands a change if I want to set up the universe so as to match what I wrote earlier about Hell being all around us.

Needs more thought. Will get back to you all later.

Well, if you’re read my previous post you know that I was heading on over to Blake Snyders website to post this logline:

After discovering a cover-up, a detached auditor becomes the unwilling test subject for an experiment that has him retrace Dante’s journey through the nine circles of Hades, where he must struggle between saving the very world he loathes or letting all Hell break lose.

I’ve gotten a few replies on the post (which you can find here) and I think I’ve gotten something I can work with. What to hear it? Of course you do, that’s why you’ve come here.

When a disillusioned auditor unearths a cover-up at a military research facility, he is forced to participate as the next test subject in an experiment that propels him into the nine circles of Hell… unaware his return could lead to the freeing of an evil older then the world itself.

It’s about the same length of my original logline but I think it’s a lot better. The protagonist is better described…using the word ‘disillusioned’ which I think better conveys his apathy and perhaps a little bit of disgust with the world around him.

I’ve also added more information about the forces he’s up against, which in this case is an ancient evil and the military research team that started the whole thing.

One of the replies at the forum did mention Black Snyder’s Double Mumbo Jumbo rule and that I was breaking it. For those not familiar with the rule, it basically states that audiences will accept one piece of magic in a script but not two. In my case, I was mixing the supernatural realm of Hell with the more concrete idea of technology capable of sending someone there.

It’s something I wasn’t even thinking of when I was writing the script and I can see the truth to this rule. That’s not to say that movies that break the rule can’t be successful, but that you’ve got to be very careful in laying these things out.

Just as an aside, Spider-Man is used as an example of this rule being broken which I’m not sure I agree with. The rule is invoked because two different people (Spider-Man and the Green Goblin) got superpowers from two different methods (radiation and chemicals). The reason I don’t agree that this is Double Mumbo Jumbo is that the whole universe that Spider-Man inhabits, and indeed all superhero movies, is a world where people can gain superpowers at all. Some by radiation, some by alien technology, some by supernatural means. I think if Spider-Man failed in this regard it was that it didn’t establish this over-arching rule to begin with. Perhaps if the movie made mention of other superheros earlier on?

Ok..back to my own logline journey. I don’t want to break the DMJ rule, but I think what I have now works and I’ll tell you why. In my script, the supernatural realm will be given a scientific explanation for it’s existence. I will not use some scientific experiment, governed by the laws of nature, to propel the protagonist into a realm where the laws of nature do not apply. By cloaking Hell in a pseudo-scientific cloak, I believe the reader will accept Hell as simply an extension of our own universe that science has yet to discover.

Am I making sense? I hope so, though I am very tired:)

I’ve read that the best protagonist for a story is the one that has to take the longest journey to reach the end. When I read that last sentence, the first thing that comes to mind is the television show Seinfeld. In pretty much every episode, the whole thing could be resolved in the first couple minutes if any of the main characters were mature, emotionally responsible adults. They aren’t..and so they inevitably make some minor mistake or situation a hundred times worse by their immature attempts to avoid dealing with it.

I think this is what I need to make sure is the case with my own logline. If the end of the script results in the protagonist having to decide whether to sacrifice himself to save countless others, the best person to have to make that choice is someone who is completely wrapped up in their own pain/life/world and could care less about everyone else.

This is something I have to focus on as I continue. For now though, I will post the logline I’ve got (with the help of the fine posters over at Blake Snyder’s forum) on my monitor and move on to the next step….The Beat Sheet!

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything. Sometimes life interferes and writing has to take a back seat for a bit.

When I last left you I had constructed a horrible logline that went like this…

When an auditor with the military discovers something suspicious regarding one of their research teams, he becomes yet another unwillingly test subject for an experiment that sends him to the very depths of Hell itself. He has to free himself and the others, as their very presence opens up the chance that Hell could literally break lose.

Why is it awful? Well, lets look shall we?

1) The protagonist isn’t described. Sure we know he’s an auditor but that’s it. Is he suicidal? Manic depressive? Suffers from chronic fatigue? Obviously I can’t lay out his entire backstory in the logline, but I can dig up some sort of adjective to describe the character. Ideally, the adjective should be in contrast to what is going on in the rest of the logline. For instance, JAWS might have a logline like this:

After a series of grisly shark attacks, an aquaphobic sheriff struggles to protect his small beach community against the bloodthirsty monster, in spite of the greedy chamber of commerce.

I stole the logline from this site which has some more great information on logline construction. Head on over now to fill your head with yummy, delicious knowledge. And just for the record, the logline for Jaws I used up top didn’t include the word ‘aquaphobic’ in it. I added that in as an example for the point I was making. A sheriff fighting against a monster shark is one thing….a sheriff who must confront his fear of the ocean to fight a monster that hides within it is even better.

My protagonist is an emotionally withdrawn and repressed man. He experienced a tragedy in his life not that long ago and does not allow himself to feel anymore. While this has prevented the outpouring of grief he wants to avoid, it has also caused him to cut himself off from everyone around him. He thinks of all others as dead to him. I think a good word to describe him would be ‘detached‘.

2) The protagonist’s main goal is not stated. My logline does contain the tidbit that he must safe others and prevent Hell from breaking lose, but is that his main goal? Is it more simply to get back home? Is his main goal more internal such as reconnecting to those around him and his own pain?

Hell in my script is a very real place, a place which is Hell to it’s inhabitants simply because they are forced to act out the desires they had in life with no chance of rest or hope of ending. For instance, in the original Dante’s Divine Comedy those who acted on their lusts in life are condemned in Hell to be blown about by howling winds. Just has they give up control of their bodies to it’s natural urges, they no longer have any control over their bodies in Hell. Ironic punishment eh?

Ok, I’m getting a little off topic with that above paragraph, but I wanted to work out my protangonist’s goal, which has to do with letting go of the rage and sadness that he has held on to so long and which will consume him (literally) if he doesn’t. I’m thinking that his goal is leaning towards something like ‘forgiveness’ and/or ‘acceptance’. I don’t want to lose sight of the ‘prison break’ scenario of hell either though, so I’ll see if I can incorporate both parts.

It should be worth noting though that internal goals don’t seem to translate well into loglines, so I should focus on the external…letting the adjective describing the character hint at the internal struggle at work.

3) The antagonistic forces or stakes are missing. Since my protagonist’s goal isn’t stated, it’s not surprising that I forgot to include what is working against his goals, though I do think I included the stakes. Since ‘antagonistic’ is another way of saying contrary, I think this goal has to be contrary to the very nature of the protagonist. Since he is detached he must come up against something that forces him to ‘reattach’. And just from my point of view, I’m thinking that this goal should be contrary to his internal goal…that is to say this antagonistic goal is external.

4) The protagonist should be active. In my logline I stated that he must…

…free himself and the others.

Don’t think that is quite ‘active’ enough. The website I mentioned earlier (this one) uses ‘The Fugitive’ to show an example of a passive and active protagonist.

Passive:

A doctor falsely accused of murder flees a relentless federal agent who is in hot pursuit.

Active:

A doctor – falsely accused of murdering his wife – struggles on the lam as he desperately searches for the killer with a relentless federal agent hot on his trail.

I’m thinking that he must struggle to save a world of people he cares nothing about from unleashing Hell upon them. How’s that sound? Just to give some backstory on this guy, he wife and little daughter were killed in a plane crash due to the pilot being drunk. This event has made it impossible for him to see the good in pretty much everything. According to him, everyone is hurting everyone else in pursuit of their own pleasures. That clear anything up? No? Um…ok.

Let’s see if I can rearrange my logline a little and shorten it into something more readable….

After discovering a cover-up, a detached auditor becomes the unwilling test subject for an experiment that has him retrace Dante’s journey through the nine circles of Hades, where he must struggle between saving the very world he loathes or letting all Hell break lose.

There’s lots not to like in this logline either. If he hates the world so much then I probably should use a better adjective then ‘detached’. What if I used the word which explains why he is so detached…’widowed’? Would it be better to break this into two sentences or can I leave it at just one?

Well, it is suggested after you have the basis of a logline, you need to go out and pitch it and get feedback on it. Well, that’s just what I’m going to do.

I’m posting it in the forums at Blake Snyder’s website here in hopes that a few people will comment on it in the next few days.

Well see if that happens and what things are exposed as needed more work.

The moment of truth has arrived. After writing a rough first draft (and I do mean rough) the realization that I need a log line can not be ignored any longer. I mean, I want to procrastinate but then that would defeat the whole purpose of this blog….getting me to focus on my writing instead of my normal job:)

I found another resource for writing log lines here which gave three simple things to keep in mind while writing yours:

A logline indicates:

1. What the protagonist must do. (What happened to cause the protagonist to begin his quest/journey.)

2. How the protagonist goes about it. (What is the protagonist actively doing?)

3. What terrible thing will happen if the protagonist fails. (What does the antagonist want?)

While I don’t want to give out too much information from a screenwriting book, I do want to mention one of the four points that Blake Snyder points out….Irony. Too see if irony is indeed important I headed on over to ScriptHollywood to see if their collection of loglines contain this ingredient. Here’s one for ”Raiders of the Lost Ark’

LOG LINE: Just before the outbreak of World War II, an adventuring archaeologist named Indiana Jones races around the globe to single-handedly prevent the Nazis from turning the greatest archaeological relic of all time into a weapon of world conquest.

The irony in this one doesn’t really jump out at me. In fact, the only thing that I would consider ironic is that it’s an archaeologist who is saving the world from Nazis. Not some army commando or a spy, but a guy who spends his life digging up old stuff. Would you guys consider this one to contain a hint of irony?

This next one is for Austin Powers and I just stole it from Yahoo movies:

A spy from the sixties is frozen so that he may return in the 90’s to stop a villanous force.

Honestly, I’m not sure if this is the actual log line of the movie or just one conjured up by those guys over at Yahoo. I don’t think there is any irony in this one, though some could be included by mentioning Austin having to come to grips with the new social and sexual mores of the 90’s.

Enough talk..on to my own logline.

When an auditor with the military discovers something suspicious regarding one of their research teams, he unwillingly becomes a test subject that sends him to the very depths of Hell itself.

Ok…lets go back to the 3 guidelines mentioned earlier in the script.

1) What happened to cause the protagonist to begin his quest/journey? I think I got this right. The auditor stumbled upon something the research team was trying to hide. Seems straight forward enough.

2) What is the protagonist actively doing? Big ‘No’ on my part here. My logline doesn’t go into any details as to what he’s actively doing. Trying to survive? Trying to expose the research teams cover up? Nothing. I’ll have to try and rewrite it in the log line draft.

3) What terrible thing will happen if the protagonist fails? Also a big fail for me on this point. There is no mention of the outcome if he fails. In the Indiana Jones logline earlier in the post we are told:

…prevent the Nazis from turning the greatest archaeological relic of all time into a weapon of world conquest.

We know what the stakes are if Indiana Jones fails in that log line.

I do think my logline contains some irony as the hero of this story is an auditor…not the most heroic job description out there. So how can I fix my logline so that points 2 and 3 are incorporated?

My hero needs to be actively doing something. Since this script is a modern take on Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy‘ it should be something along the lines of…I don’t know. The script is more of a journey of self discovery then some ‘race against the clock’ script, though this story does contain elements of that, so the ‘activity’ could be a variety of things. Should I focus on the self-discovery? When I’m reading log lines I know that I enjoy physical, concrete goals that the protagonist needs to reach. Nothing puts me to sleep faster then reading about some guy/gal taking a roadtrip on a ‘road to self-discovery’.

I know, I’m shallow that way.

How about…

When an auditor with the military discovers something suspicious regarding one of their research teams, he becomes yet another unwillingly test subject for an experiment that sends him to the very depths of Hell itself and where he has to save the others and himself.

Ok, now we have an activity. We also have a mouthful of crap that needs to be cut in half. I’ll deal with that soon enough…on to point 3, what happens if the protagonist fails. Well, the consequence I had in mind was the freeing of Satan himself. In the ‘Divine Comedy’ Satan is encased in ice, trapped forever in impotence. The fact that these ‘travellers’ seem to hold the key for him to get out is intriguing to me. Of course, my whole ending might have to change if it doesn’t make sense. I can’t hold on to it just because I think it’s cool.

When an auditor with the military discovers something suspicious regarding one of their research teams, he becomes yet another unwillingly test subject for an experiment that sends him to the very depths of Hell itself. He has to free himself and the others, as their very presence opens up the chance that Hell could literally break lose.

Still too long, but at this point I’m happy to get this information squeezed into this awkward and cumbersome couple sentences.

I think I need to take a break tonight and think about shortening this log line into something more manageable. Perhaps it’s time to stop looking at what is included in a logline and start looking at acceptable length.

There’s gotta be something out there on the interwebs about that right?

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot recently. I’ve only written 5 scripts so far in my fledgling career, and the logline has always seemed to be something left to the ad guys when they’re putting together the poster. I mean, I don’t have to come up with it now do I?

Yup. I do. And the clarity of purpose a logline brings to the writing process is absent from each of my scripts. I wish I could say I’m surprised.

So what makes a good logline? I’ve just picked up Save the Cat by Blake Snyder a little while ago and it dedicates the first chapter to the creation of your logline.

He even goes so far as to say not to write anything until you’ve polished your logline. Crazy eh?

It’s a great read, and as someone who foolishly never attempted to write a logline before, very helpful. Since I am still struggling with a logline for one of my scripts I thought it would be an interesting exercise for me to post a couple loglines from other movies and talk myself through them.

Feel free to listen in if you wish. Ready? Here we go!

The first logline comes from here and is for a script called “THE YELLOW ROSE AFFAIR”

LOG LINE: A serial killer is on the loose, the victims are exotic dancers, and a single yellow rose is uniquely placed on each victim’s body.

Not much to start with there is it. Who is the protagonist? A ’struggling to stay sober’ detective? A former exotic dancer who pulled her life together and now must save the life of her former friends? I don’t know who I should be cheering for from this logline. There also is no mention of the stakes involved. The the serial killer targeting the protagonist and the mystery must be solved before he/she can be killed? Are the killings forcing the city to shut down all exotic dance clubs and one owner must find the killer before he loses everything he’s spent his life building? The final bit of this logline mentions a yellow rose…and since that’s the title of this script I’m assuming it’s an important bit of information. But is this information that I need or even want to know? A serial killer targeting strippers is enough for me to be interested, but I’m a simple guy with simple tastes:)

Here’s my take on the logline for this script:

LOG LINE: When the bodies of exotic dancers start turning up all over the city, a young police officer must risk her family and her reputation to track down the serial killer who is attacking those she once worked with, and who has now set his sights on her.

Ok, that’s not exactly great either, but I guess it’s not bad for something cooked up in a couple minutes:) I’ve created a protagonist who is a police officer but was once a stripper herself which adds a bit of conflict into the story. Her former life is something she’s probably kept hidden from those on the force, her family, etc,. Plus I’ve added some stakes into it as well, with the serial killer now focusing in on the protagonist. She’s now has to track this guy down before she herself is killed.

On to the next logline! This one I got from here and is entitled ‘The Night Projectionist’.

LOG LINE: A night projectionist at a condemned movie theater takes his audience hostage on Halloween night, unleashing a battle between past ghosts and the revelation that he is a vampire facing his last night on earth.

Um….yah. Where to even start with this one? Why is a vampire working as a projectionist and why is this a revelation to him? Why take his audience hostage to begin with unless it was to feast on them all? I know that good log lines are suppose to make you want to read more, but I just wanted to read the script so I could make sense of it all. Probably not the same thing. Is the fact that the movie theatre is condemned important? How does taking the audience hostage lead to a battle between ghosts? Is there something that this projectionish/vampire must accomplish before Halloween is over? So many questions, so little time.

Here’s my take on it:

LOG LINE: A vampire who long ago turned his back on his bloodthirsty nature is finally found by an old enemy. Trapped in a condemned theatre on Halloween night with his immortal foe, dozens of hostages, and with cops surrounding the building, he must decide between escaping or staying to save the lives of the innocents behind held. And the sun will rise soon.

Not as good as an effort as my first one I think. I added a more concrete villain to the story and given him a goal (in this case, revenge) and gave the logline more of a deadline by mentioning the sun rising. I do hate that last sentence though, and wish I could incorporate it into the rest of the logline. I tried, but the sentence seemed so long and ‘run-on-ish’ that I felt I needed a new sentence to avoid sticking a fork in my eye in frustration. The protagonist is also given a conflict. Vampire who wants to be human, escape and live versus stay and fight for his friends. All very cliche so that needs a bit of work to make it new and exciting.

Definately will have to try picking apart my own logline in the next day or two and see if I can be as honest with it as I am with others. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, here is a checklist for Loglines from www.ehow.com. Definitely not the same as the 4 ingredients for a logline that Mr.Snyder suggests, but it might interest some of you.

Step 1 – Begin by logline by revealing the movie’s premise. What are the major complications in your story? What does your hero want and what is the major obstacle in his path? Write this is a sentence. For example: he wants to recover the family inheritance that was stolen from him by his brother.

Step 2 – Describe the action that your hero takes to overcome his obstacles. Again do this in a single sentence. He kidnaps his brother.

Step 3 – Describe the hero’s crisis and the dangerous complications that arise from his actions. Everyone is out to get him and he has no one he can trust.

Step 4 – Hint at the climax, the final showdown, and the hero’s transformation at the end of the movie. Don’t spell this out in detail. Make the reader want to read your script.

Step 5 – Identify the sizzle in your movie–sex, greed, humor, danger, thrills, satisfaction. Specify the genre. Is it a thriller, mystery, comedy or romance? Write all this in present tense and no more than three sentences. Most professional scriptwriters agree that, “If you can’t say it in three sentences, you don’t know what your script is about.” Think of the movie you’ve been writing the script for, and then breathe life and personality into those three sentences.

You can find another take on what makes a great logline here and here. There are hundreds of other sites out there which purport to teach you the secrets of logline writing….just Google ‘Writing movie loglines’ and I’m sure you’ll get an obscene amount of links.

Cheers!