Script Writing – Scene Descriptions

It’s been a long time since I last posted and for the one person who checks this site regularly (um…me) I’d like to apologize. It’s been a bit crazy around here lately. Someone has made an offer to buy my movie theatre so there has been lots of handwringing about that issue…still haven’t figured out what to do yet either. Also I’ve been getting my application ready for a film workshop being held in LA this August. They only accept 30 people and if you’re picked, room and board, as well as flight, is included! Coolio!

I imagine they’ll be letting people know if they’ve been accepted in the next week or two. Believe me, if I get in I’ll be posting it on my blog here to gloat to…um…me.

This post I’d like to talk about scene descriptions in your script.

Ok, I lied. I’d like to talk about scene descriptions in MY script, but any pearls of wisdom should be applicable to your own. See? I’m all about the givin’ here. To start things off, here is a brief bit of a script I’m working on (forgive the formatting…didn’t copy/paste well):

MICHAELS

What the…?

Rolling the coin between her fingers, she tries to make out the markings on the well worn coin.

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Where we heading? Hospital or coroner?

She gives the body a brief kick, waits for a reaction. Deadpan.

MICHAELS

I’m guessing the coroner.

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Good call.

Michaels goes back to the coin. It looks almost as old as the flint knife.

The body bag jostles slightly.

MICHAELS

We hit a bump or something?

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Nope.

The body bag jostles again, even more pronounced.

MICHAELS

Pothole?

AMBULANCE DRIVER

Sorry?

Michaels reaches towards the zipper on the bag.

The bag suddenly sits up.

This is one of my better scenes when it comes to action tags/scene descriptions. I tend to run off at the mouth (textually speaking) and can easily end up with more descriptions then dialogue. It’s not good and it’s something that I have to continually work at….cutting it all down and keeping it simple is like cutting off my own fingers. Anyhoo…how about we check out a script from a movie that actually got made shall we? The script is ‘Smokin’ Aces’ and you can find it here. Here’s a snippet:

PADICHE (V.O.)
…Jesus…what for?
SERNA (V.O.)
–who can say. He’s off his onion,
y’know, he’s old school Sicilian,
this is how they hate.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Wow.
SERNA (V.O.)
Hey, we nab Israel, they pay t’get’m
back, I’ll cut the fuckin’ thing out
m’self, no extra charge. My thing
is, we crew up, let’s not fuck
around, someone’s cousin, some Zip
off the boat from Naples, let’s get
pros, people who know how to behave.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Yeah, there’s a pair’a broads I’m
thinking might be good for this.
SERNA (V.O.)
Chances are, they’re gonna get into
some shit too, hafta put people down.
PADICHE (V.O.)
That’s not a problem. Are we goin’
outta pocket ourselves?
SERNA
Yeah, I can front this.
PADICHE (V.O.)
Well just so I got a quote in my
head. What’s the rate for the Swede?
SERNA
That’s the punchline, y’ready?
PADICHE
Shoot.
4.
SERNA (V.O.)
A million flat.
PADICHE (V.O.)
No shit.
SERNA (V.O.)
None whatsoever.

Bad formatting aside (which is also the result of copy/pasting), notice anything else? There are no scene descriptions! Ok, that’s not entirely true. Every new scene Joe Carnahan does throw up some descriptive prose to give the reader a sense of their surroundings. He also has no trouble writing paragraphs describing intense action scenes. But regular scenes? Nada. Zip.

I’m impressed. Not only in his ability to say a lot by writing very little, but also with his faith in the actors and actresses into whose hands he’s putting his baby.

When I’m writing I see everything my characters do and I want to put that all down in the script. But I can’t, because to do so would severely hamstring any actors interested in doing my film. So in short…say more, write less. Or if my own observations are any indication….you’re script should have a lot more dialogue then description.

I dunno, maybe the way I have it now is fine for garnering initial interest in a script from the studios, but I imagine it would have to be rewritten before it got passed around to actors. Any actors read this site? Mind telling me if my theory is correct or not?